Do you like boobs? Do you like butts? Do you like reaching your fist inside your belly button and pulling out whole chicken wings? If the answer is yes to any these questions, I've got a movie for you. I'm not a big fan of Body Horror myself, but I can make an exception sometimes for the right kind of dark comedy, surrealism, and satire. This movie had the opportunity to be any of those things, and I'm not sure it really succeeded at any of them.

I will start with what I think it did well: the visual effects are good. They must have used so many gallons of actual fake blood, rather than cowardly CGI. In general, in fact, I think a lot of the sound design and visual design achieve its goals - it is a visceral film, full of high impact aesthetic moments. Sometimes, a bit too high impact for my taste; I can only watch a fake hit a hard time floor at full speed so many times before I start to taste the blood in my own mouth. But it certainly works on this level, as a kind of splatter or grindhouse film. I also think that generally, the movie is simply competently made, with the craft of film well-executed in terms of directing, acting, and everything else associated with its production.

But the problem I have with the movie is a big one, which is that I do not think the writing works for me. I am beating a dead horse in my reviews, I know, but I really would like movies to have something to say when they claim to have something to say. This movie seems like it wants to be a feminist story about the way that women fear aging and the way society treats women who have aged. And maybe it is (lest anyone forget, I am a man, so take all my opinions with an ocean of salt). But it seems more to me like the kind of movie you'd make if you were a man who wanted to appear feminist than if you were a feminist.

As I mentioned at the start, it certainly has a lot of gratuitous nudity and tons of shots of the sexual exploitation of women's bodies. Is it critiquing them? Maybe? But it seems to be the thing that the woman lead wants, it's what she desires, to be the object of the male gaze. Coincidentally, it is also what the metaphorical patriarch wants! He definitely wants her to behave in exactly this way, even though it turns out poorly for her in the end. What is the object lesson, to not behave as the main character does? It is a bold choice in a horror film to have no hero, I suppose, but I think that's exactly what this movie does. There is no one to root for, only people to root against. I really can't figure out what the message is supposed to be other than "wow it sucks to be a career-focused woman so you have no friends or family" which definitely doesn't seem like what the director thinks they are saying. But even when she gets a second chance, she goes back to pleasing the same man and focusing on the same (highly lucrative) career.

One final thing I'd be remiss to mention is that I think the director thinks I am very stupid. There is so many unnecessary reminder shots of things that happened mere minutes before, grotesquely over-the-top satire like the TV producer's entire persona (yes his name is Harvey, we get it), and the pounding repetition of the themes. I may be stupid, but I have been watching the movie, thanks. Oh well. Subtext is for cowards. I still want cultural satire movies like this or The Menu to be better than they are, so maybe I'm holding them to a higher standard. Or maybe I'm discrediting it too much because I don't really care for body horror and gore. Either way, it did not end up meeting my expectations, and the idea that this movie is Best Picture at the Oscars material is a wild one.

Score: 5/10

IMDb: The Substance

PS: The more Perfect version of herself came out with blue eyes instead of her natural brown eyes, as you'd expect from perfection.

PPS: How does the business model for this Substance company work? It does not seem very sustainable or profitable. I guess they'd definitely get a lot of money from Bryan Johnson, though.

PPPS: In this movie in which a sentient screaming human face made of mangled flesh crawls across the pavement, easily the least believable thing is the main character's ability to rapidly tear down a wall, build a secret chamber, and re-tile it flawlessly with a perfectly weighted hinge trapdoor in her own bathroom in a matter of a few hours.